Heart of Stone

** Picture taken in Ho Chi Minh City Botanical Gardens in District 1 just opposite Chancery Hotel.

Just managed to catch a breather from my hectic call …. been working non stop as one of my colleagues had to take an emergency leave. So I was running in and out of OT and going to wards to review my patients for the Acute Pain Service … surprisingly in spite of me running around with fever, blocked nose and headache … I was able to keep my composure and did not blow my top when my pager rang or when I had to walk from one of the hospital to another ( surprisingly I am still able to maintain my current weight and not lose an inch )

Today while reviewing one of my patients in the ward ….. I was reminded how easy it was to make my heart cold and hard as stone. She was suffering from a skin condition called pemphigus …. and she required high doses pain killer which she controls herself and on occasions when the pain relief was not adequate I would have to come and give an extra intravenous dose of opiods to relieve the pain. When I walked into the ward … she was already screaming in pain …. praying to God to take away the pain ….. and I was just walked in and told her calmly to press the machine and that I will give her the extra doses if required. Suddenly a still small voice spoke me ….. “Son soften your heart … hear their cries” ….. it was a shock to me … how I have managed to insulate and isolate myself from the patient …. and there and then I uttered a prayer to God to keep my heart open and soft before Him and to the people around me. It was easy to keep a distance from the patients who are the chronic pain patients…we see them everyday ….. maybe it was a protective mechanism to protect myself from feeling too much or getting too close.

Maybe it is time to change to a new work environment where I start anew and plan out my life … a place where it is normal working hours and is not so hectic…… takes me days to recover from my post call. And age is really catching up.

Sorry for the lack of updates …. been doing a lot of soul searching and don’t wanna keep sharing stuffs which are depressing…. but hopefully through it all… you can see a person who hangs on to God for dear life …. where I am nothing and nobody apart from God.

~ by sbanboy on July 27, 2008.